i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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