Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
