Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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