Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
