Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
everyone is single if you try hard enough
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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