dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
