I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
