fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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