its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
