Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
