i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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