You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
