Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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