I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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