so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
