im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
