I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize