How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
