if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
