I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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