Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
