FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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