i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
