Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
