i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
