just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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