We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
