I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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