she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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