Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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