My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
