I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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