Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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