my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
