i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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