I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
