i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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