They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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