The maid of honor just puked.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
jump out the window naked night went bad
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
