I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
