Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You're like the curious george of whores
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
