Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
