Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize