This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
