Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
