The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
