So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
