new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize