I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
