Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Pants are for mortals
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
