I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize