The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
