I just cut my nipple shaving
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
