Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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