I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
