If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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