I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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