The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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