your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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