Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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