I need to stop coming to work sober
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
