I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
