My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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