she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
