I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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