ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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